Have I told you about how my feelings on faith have changed since my Dad died?

I used to think that faith is ridiculous. Then I thought that faith is a coping mechanism for those who couldn't handle mortality. Nietzsche defined faith as a completely unreasonable trust in an outcome, specifically in the existence of God and heaven. I think he's wrong, and I know I was wrong. My definition of faith is different than mostly everything I have read. Jay Z has been often scrutinized (and connected with the Illuminati) because he believes that every person is God. I think he is onto something.

I believe that the universe is, in a way, decided. I do not necessarily believe in free will. We are slaves to our brain. We cannot make any decisions other than the ones we make, or why would we have made (or not made) them? I think my future is already decided. I think the future of the universe is already decided. However, (and this is a big however) I believe that I have a responsibility to ensure that future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in myself as my God. I have an unreasonable (unreasonable only because empirically it should not happen) expectation of an outcome that I see in my head. I have no choice than to do the things I do because of my faith. There is a future my in my head. My actions now can do nothing but result in that future. That's just the way it is, and I have no reason to think otherwise. That is my faith.

My point is that you can only make good choices after you have complete faith and trust in your ability to create the future in your head. Part of that process is identifying when choices you've made in the past are counterintuitive to your future self. The other part of it is embracing an inherent selfishness and borderline internal arrogance. That includes embracing every part of your brain. In doing so, you may find that the emotions you once feared transform into great strength. Another is realizing that pain, sadness, and other emotions with negative connotations are necessary.

Mentors often tell me to pray to God. This would have bothered me a lot a couple of years ago. It doesnt anymore because every time I make myself feel like I'm grinding or pushing myself to that future, I am praying to God.

Please do not take this the wrong way. I am not trying to be conceded. Realistically speaking, the chances are that every person fails to reach most of the goals they make. Therefore, a faith in ones self is just as reasonable or unreasonable as a religious persons faith in their God, but it is also just as important. I guess that is all that I am trying to say.

I am apprehensive about posting this.