Have I told you about how my feelings on faith have changed since my Dad died?

I used to think that faith is ridiculous. Then I thought that faith is a coping mechanism for those who couldn't handle mortality. Nietzsche defined faith as a completely unreasonable trust in an outcome, specifically in the existence of God and heaven. I think he's wrong, and I know I was wrong. My definition of faith is different than mostly everything I have read. Jay Z has been often scrutinized (and connected with the Illuminati) because he believes that every person is God. I think he is onto something.

I believe that the universe is, in a way, decided. I do not necessarily believe in free will. We are slaves to our brain. We cannot make any decisions other than the ones we make, or why would we have made (or not made) them? I think my future is already decided. I think the future of the universe is already decided. However, (and this is a big however) I believe that I have a responsibility to ensure that future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in myself as my God. I have an unreasonable (unreasonable only because empirically it should not happen) expectation of an outcome that I see in my head. I have no choice than to do the things I do because of my faith. There is a future my in my head. My actions now can do nothing but result in that future. That's just the way it is, and I have no reason to think otherwise. That is my faith.

My point is that you can only make good choices after you have complete faith and trust in your ability to create the future in your head. Part of that process is identifying when choices you've made in the past are counterintuitive to your future self. The other part of it is embracing an inherent selfishness and borderline internal arrogance. That includes embracing every part of your brain. In doing so, you may find that the emotions you once feared transform into great strength. Another is realizing that pain, sadness, and other emotions with negative connotations are necessary.

Mentors often tell me to pray to God. This would have bothered me a lot a couple of years ago. It doesnt anymore because every time I make myself feel like I'm grinding or pushing myself to that future, I am praying to God.

Please do not take this the wrong way. I am not trying to be conceded. Realistically speaking, the chances are that every person fails to reach most of the goals they make. Therefore, a faith in ones self is just as reasonable or unreasonable as a religious persons faith in their God, but it is also just as important. I guess that is all that I am trying to say.

I am apprehensive about posting this.

General Tso's Chicken

it was so freaking spicy.

Oh yeah, I made Banana Cream Pie Shooter, too.

Pad Thai

It turned out pretty well for my first try. I'm still working on the recipe, so I can't post it yet.

The Perfect Tuna Sandwich

I've done it. It's the perfect tuna sandwich.

Ingredients:

5oz albacore tuna (I used Bumblebee)
2 slices of bread (I suggest 10 grain or at least whole wheat)
1/4 cup chopped green onions
1/4 cup chopped roasted garlic dill pickle
1 T yellow mustard (not pictured)
1 T stone ground mustard
1 T sour cream
1/4 t very hot horseradish



Combine ingredients in a bowl.



Put the spread on your bread and enjoy. I was tempted to add pepper, but I'm glad I didn't. The amount of spice is just right. I want to describe the sandwich more, but I can't. My words fail me.

Internet on the TV

I view a lot of my internet content on my TV now. It's pretty crazy because sometimes I forget it's the internet. Very good.

RANT: Fitness does not reflect excellence.

To the roided out douchebag wearing an Affliction tee outside the grocery store that laughed at the kid wearing a WoW tee who tripped on a curb: you're a pathetic asshole. First of all, fitness does not reflect excellence. The fact that you have huge biceps is not impressive. The only traits of your personality that is displayed by your muscles is self-absorption and vanity. You find that kid laughable because he spends his spare hours playing video games. The fact that you spend yours repeatedly picking up something heavy and setting it back down makes you no better than him. Furthermore, his hobby takes legitimate talent. A fitness show does not display talent. Lifting is less of a sport than cheerleading. This kid wasn't even fat! He looked more normal than you with your bulbous neck and gross veins. You guys walk around like you were granted with some almighty gift, when in fact you probably lead an unhealthy lifestyle in order to get those gains, and your body is going to fail when you're 45. Have fun when the collagen in your joints disappears and your colon is impacted from all the fake protein and gainer you consume. The kid you just laughed at is gonna be just fine.

Pissed enough to resurrects this blog.

This whole time, you’ve been the bitch. I’ve put so much care and consideration into your feeling during this transition because I was under constant scrutiny. I was consistently getting accused of “messing with your head”. Hooking up with chicks while using you for an occasional hook-up and emotional support. I NEVER did that shit. I stayed true to my principles. I was so concerned with not being that kind of person, that I never realized that you were that person. That’s what hurts the most. I wanted to be positive that I wasn’t manipulating you, and in doing so, I was manipulated. It sucks to know that I put so much time and energy into you , and you just ended up turning into another slut. It’s fuckin sad. It makes me nauseous. I never wanted to feel that way about you.